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13 March 2009 @ 01:50 am
A Very Long Entry; Happy Birthday Kate  
Talk to me about aging? What does it mean to you to be getting older? And I don't even mean getting older, so much as simply, having more memories that are in the past. Nostalgia. How do you feel about it? How do you get through it? I know that most of you will say aging doesn't bother you and give some reason you are young at heart. I feel the same way, and it's how I would answer me, but I'm not asking about that 99% of the time. I'm asking about the other 1%.

Today (the 12th) is my little sister's 20th birthday. I haven't seen her since before she turned 14. I left a note on her facebook.

My little sister (left) and big sister. I don't even know when that was.

My brother and little sister. I don't know when or where this is, or who the other girl is.

The three in the middle are my cousin Steve, Kate (little sis), and Jay (bro). It still doesn't make sense to me that I'm not sitting with them.

Kate and our dog Bailey, who I am so happy to find out is still alive. (I should upload his puppy pics sometime). This was clearly taken overlooking the quarry by our their house in Massachusetts. Jay, Kate, and I used to take Bailey on walks there and play on that ledge all the time. Bailey's half coon hound and half Aussie, and he weighs more than he looks like he weighs. He used to freak out whenever I would beat out music on his chest. Sasha and Lyra just ignore it.

Here are some older pics:

The Christmas Jay got his electric guitar.

Camping with Stacey. Doesn't she look like she just loves it so so much?

That's all I have scanned. Stacey and I never got along great. She was all about soccer and fashion and snubbed her nose at me, overweight and over-average academically. Jay, Kate, and I were inseparable for years, though. (Jay is a year and a half younger than me, and Kate is the youngest at 7 years younger than me). Steve and I actually dated in high school *g*, which my friends all had a field-day over, but we took it super-slowly and never really advanced beyond hand-holding.

What happened, you asked? I wish I knew. I left my mom's house to go to college, and next thing I knew my dad and step-mom were divorcing. Ok, I could deal with that, I thought. Until I got a letter from my step-mom returning my Christmas gifts and asking me not to contact any of them ever again.

So that's... me :)

And why, today, I feel very old.

P.S. I know it confuses people, but these guys are my step-siblings. Ex-step-siblings. They aren't the only ex-step-siblings I've got, but they're the only ones that matters. I lived with my mom growing up, but I spent many weekends and summers at my dad's. My dad introduced me to Lynn when I was 9.As an only child and having been in numerous step-families, there has only ever been one family I felt comfortable dropping the "step" from.
Current Location: St. Paul, MN
Current Mood: coldcold
lurker_of_note: jools siviterlurker_of_note on March 13th, 2009 05:19 pm (UTC)
that must be difficult- i'm sorry. when it comes down to it, very little can compare to family. i don't understand why your ex-step mom had to be so harsh and sever ties completely. i hope your sister replies to your note.

as for the idea of ageing? my attitude changes according to the company i'm in- high skl kids make me feel incredibly beyond my years in warn fuzzy sort of way, my current peers are a constant reminder of the fact that i should be a year ahead of them so that at times agitates me- different scenarios, varying feelings.
Pernille: Actor: Jake eftertænksompernille_is_me on March 13th, 2009 10:02 pm (UTC)
Getting older to me means still being unaccomplished.. no husband, no children, no career, no home of my own..

Thanks for sharing the pics! It must have been rough.. is rough still.. man.. I wouldn't know what to do without my sister.
Lolacutepoisonlola on March 14th, 2009 12:40 am (UTC)

I'm sorry, this sort of thing just doesn't go down well with me. I can't believe it someone would do that to anyone, let alone their step-daughter, without any explanations. You have a right to stay in touch with your dad, dammit! Why should you just roll over and take that crap, you're perfectly entitled to.... everything you want! He's your dad!

I know it must have been incredibly hurtful but wouldn't you at least want to know why? And demand to get to spend time with your family, whether or not your step-mom likes it? (The bitch!)

Sorry for the outburst... I know it's none of my business but this just upset me so much. :( I'd so love to give your step-mom a piece of my mind right now, believe me.

As for how do I feel about ageing? Ambivalent. On one hand, I love having more intellectual capacity than I did five years ago. I love being more confident and secure in myself, and less dependent on other people's acceptance.

Now that we've established the benefits of growing up, let's move onto the more superficial stuff...
I don't want to get old! There, I said it. I like being young (28) and pretty. Now that I'm finally okay with myself, free from all the stupid insecurities, I'm starting appreciate what I've got. I would be sad to lose it.

That's why I'm determined to do what it takes to stay young. I eat right, I exercise, I moisturise my skin religiously. I worry about getting wrinkles but so far they've evaded me. I still easily pass for a 21-year-old, which is amazing. Robert Pattison is what, 24? And he looks like he's 10 years older than me! (My smooth skin is the reward for not smoking, and not seeing too much sunshine in this Nordic climate.)

However, my recently developed unhealthy sleeping habits aren't doing any favours for my skin. I really should get a grip and go to bed early. Which is it, Lola? Sleeping enough and keeping my youthful looks, or staying up all night and starting to look like an old hag? I should make my choice soon before time makes it for me. I can't keep this up forever.

In fact, why don't I go to bed now instead of waiting for a couple more hours? Sure, I'm in the middle of catching up online but can it really not wait till tomorrow?

Okay, I'll just read one chapter of Midnight Sun and then I'll go to bed. I will. This time I really will. You won't catch me sitting here with bloodshot eyes at six am. *is determined*