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21 July 2008 @ 07:50 pm
The Mechanism of Denial [Heroes]  
Title: The Mechanism of Denial
Fandom: Heroes
Rating: G
Genre: Romance/Angst ish?
Pairing: Matt/Mohinder
Warnings: None
Summary: The human brain is amazing-- it lets you keep secrets from yourself. It was never designed to keep those secrets from outsiders as well.
Word Count: 649
A/N: Unbeta'd. Written for the "cravings" one-shot challenge ate heroes_contest

The Mechanism of Denial

He would never think of giving in. He made a point of never admitting to even having these feelings, let alone giving in to them. These moments between bed and sleep, while Matt was reading to Molly or trying to put her back to bed-- she didn't sleep easily any more-- these were the only moments he ever allowed himself to examine his denial. The human brain is an amazing organ to be able to admit that something is false, and then proceed as if it were true without noticing the conflict. He could think about what he thought, and about what he felt, and then he could think about how he thought about what he felt, and in the morning it will be as if he has never felt any of the emotions he examined so piecemeal the night before. Denial is not the absence of knowledge. It is the unwillingness to acknowledge a knowledge you know is there. Denial is, in and of itself, a miracle of the human brain. Mohinder doubted that animals were even capable of denial, and if they were, they most certainly were not capable of analyzing that fact as he was doing now.

"You think too much." The voice ripped through Mohinder's thoughts, tearing them from his mind so securely that he was sure he could never find the string he'd been on again without starting from the very beginning. I will never think of giving in. I will not even admit I have these feelings, let alone give in to them.

"Molly's asleep." Matt's voice again pulled Mohinder off course.

"Do you mind? I'm trying to get some sleep here?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

Only when Mohinder is mostly adrift, on that brink where dreams still have the scents and lighting of the room his body's in, does something in his mind kick in. He remembered Matt coming to the doorway to say he thinks too much, and Mohinder woke with a horrifying sensation in his stomach. His feet hit the floor and in a minute he was in the living room where Matt occupied the sofa. They alternated between bed and sofa on a monthly basis. It was a pull-out, but Matt almost never bothered with that extra step. His feet hung over the side at one end.

"Parkman," Mohinder hissed. No response. "Parkman!"

"Huh? Wha?" Matt blinked awake and looked around. "What is it? Is Molly--"

"Molly's fine. I was just wondering what you meant when you said I think too much."

"Huh? Wait, you woke my up to ask that?"

"Well, what does it mean?"

"It means," Matt sighed, "that even in your sleep you over analyze everything everyone has ever said and then wake up the whole household at three in the morning to discuss it."

"You aren't listening to my thoughts, are you?"

"Not the ones you don't think. Look, it's not like it's a matter of turning the television on and off."

"But you can control it." Mohinder was pleading, urgent.

"Yeah. But its easier to ignore someone when they're not screaming at you."

"I'm not--"

"Not now. The thoughts I think you're worried about. Before bed every night you let them go, and they're pretty loud. I thought you wanted me to hear."

It's too much for Mohinder, like being stripped naked in public. All his safe denial has disappeared that quickly. His desire for Matt came tumbling out in waves, rising into his head and making him dizzy. He saw Matt's eyes widen, and Mohinder wondered if he was subconsciously screaming again.

Mohinder did the only thing he can think of: he stormed away and slammed his bedroom door, locking it. Maybe in the morning they both will have forgotten and things can be normal again. Mohinder thinks so.

But he is more frightened by the fact that he hopes not.
Current Location: St. Paul, MN
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Weezer - The Greatest Man That Ever Lived
bellonablack on July 21st, 2008 09:26 pm (UTC)
NICE. <3

This is one of the best Mohinder's I've ever read, here. :-) It's so him, to pick things apart like that, and you're examination of denial is just so *human*. I enjoyed following his train of thought before it was derailed.

With Matt, the process of thought...it's too honest, and it becomes more true in his emotions. So. In a word I like alot! <3

Um, I may be converted to this ship, fully. :-)

Bloody Jack Flint: HarryxGinny Hushrhye on August 4th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you! It's the first time I've even written Mohinder, tbh! I don't really 'ship them so much as I think it looks like canon from a lot of angles and that makes it interesting to explore with these particular, quirky characters :) Thanks for the feedback.
Tiptoe39: matthindertiptoe39 on July 21st, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC)
oh oh oh oh oh i love!!! <3

mohinder pining for matt is one of my favorite things.
Bloody Jack Flintrhye on August 4th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks for reading!
A Troop of Rogue Trained Monkeys from LJ's Searchhanuueshe on July 22nd, 2008 01:38 pm (UTC)

You're Mohinder characterization is spot on; he is such an overthinker it's pretty easy to see him talking around himself in circles. And he'd totally get paranoid about Matt picking up on it, and force him to explain himself fully, three o'clock at night or not.

(Have you considered posting this to either matt_mohinder or mytwoheroes?)
Bloody Jack Flintrhye on August 4th, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the positive feedback! No, I hadn't posted it elsewhere, this is the first time I've written either of these characters let alone together, but I guess I shall. Thank you!
K: *thumbs up*anony_mouse19 on July 22nd, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
oh this was nice.that was my first Heroes fic.i'm not really into the fandom at all.but Matt&Mohinder are so married!and i like canon pairings more,so i thought i'd give it a shot :]

you haven't posted anything Brokeback for a while now.saw Duality is abandoned.i'm sorry for that but i understand your reasons.but what about Higher Education and The Heart Outside?any update in sight?i missed them.

Bloody Jack Flint: Bens Hushrhye on August 4th, 2008 08:29 pm (UTC)
I'm not really into the fandom either and I've only written a handful of fics in it (I think 3?), so I'm glad you liked it!

There are always updates in sight for everything :) I know that answers nothing, but it's the best I can do. THO has nearly a whole chapter teetering on the verge of completion. Higher Ed less so since I sort of wanted to take a break from it for the moment, but it has some of a next chapter. Thanks for asking!
aunt_zeldaaunt_zelda on August 4th, 2008 07:48 pm (UTC)
Oh OUCH ... *huggles the boys* (It'll all work out though, for Molly's sake, right?)

"It means," Matt sighed, "that even in your sleep you over analyze everything everyone has ever said and then wake up the whole household at three in the morning to discuss it."
Heh heh ... Mohinder WOULD ...
Bloody Jack Flintrhye on August 4th, 2008 08:37 pm (UTC)
Oh yes, everything will be lovely :) Thanks for reading!
aunt_zeldaaunt_zelda on August 4th, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)

(I love Mottwalker to a ridiculous degree, considering that I'm a Mohinder/Sylar fangirl at heart ...)