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10 July 2008 @ 08:37 pm
I Won't Blame Myself [Twilight]  
Title: I Won't Blame Myself
Fandom: Twilight
Pairing: Jasper/Bella
Rating: PG
Summary: Alice is dead, Edward's on his own again, but somehow, together they'll survive.
Word Count: 424
AN: Revised version of the ficlet written for The Twilight Uncanon Request Meme.

I Won't Blame Myself

Time makes fools of us all. The things for which we once lived and died become skeletons in the closets of the dead. Bella put on a happy front. I wondered if she'd been doing that most of her life. Her true emotions, I suspected, were something she used to keep to herself. Here, she didn't have the luxury.

Edward hardened over like a callous or a scar. He would survive. He was a survivor and born to be a singular entity, more complete in himself than he knew.

Bella, though--

She'd avoided me since Alice had died protecting her, guilt sweeping behind her in a black mourning train that fell like night on the clothes of failed marriage, of doomed mistakes. She would not survive alone.

I cornered her in her room sometime after three in the morning so she had nowhere to run. "She gave her life so you could live yours, and you're not."

"I am, I'm fine!"

"No, you're not, Bella."

"Well... what-- what am I supposed to do? I'm just doing the best I can. I'm just trying to get from day to day."

"We all make mistakes," I answered softly. "We can't all dwell on them forever. I should know."

I was gratified when she did not argue. It was, after all, an inarguable truth.

"What--" she repeated, sounding lost, broken.

"Come here." I said it in a whisper, but it was an order in a way, and she came as if compelled. I wrapped my arms around her and spoke into her ear. "Ignore them. Those thoughts that say you were a fool, glances from those wondering what you're going to do now, the self-pity and the self-hatred. Ignore it all. As of right now, it's not allowed any more."

She made a whimpering noise in her throat.

"What Edward never understood is that no one can be your champion, Bella. You are the one who has to stand up for yourself, even if you're standing against yourself as well. Trust me, I know."

She held very tightly, but I could not complain. It felt perfect. It was what I now realized I'd been wanting to work towards.

"I haven't got it all figured out, Bella. Sometimes I feel it too." I held her head to my shoulder as her grip tightened further. She was using all her strength. "Let's do this together. For now. No commitments. But there's a life to be lived here."

She nodded against my shoulder and said in a voice impossibly confident for someone feeling the emotions she felt, "Alright. I'll do it. And you'll show me how."
Current Location: St. Paul, MN
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Last Comic Standing
medoraly on July 11th, 2008 01:51 am (UTC)
"Alright. I'll do it. And you'll show me how."

*sniff* Poor Bella, dear Jasper. I do love them so.