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04 April 2008 @ 10:51 pm
Title: Monster
Fandom: Twilight
Rating: PG
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Summary: Edward meditates on how he became what he is, and what is best for Bella.
AN: Unbeta'd. Written for trascendenza's Vocabulary Soup challenge theme "evanescence."
Word Count: 709


I don't want to be a monster.

My life should have been fleeting. It should have been regrettably so, devastatingly so, though I know now there was no one left to feel that devastation, my mother having died already. Seventeen and on the brink of manhood, eager to fight in the Great War, I should have never known battle. If anyone stopped to think about it, they might have called it a tragedy that I'd been so devoted to an end I would never see. I wouldn't have minded dying on the battlefield, but in a hospital! I don't remember those days. I'm fairly certain that if I had survived them I wouldn't remember them; fever is not exactly healthy for one's memory. Sometimes, though, I imagine I did live-- and die-- that life, evanescent compared to the existence I lead now.

I am wrong when I imagine there was no one remaining to be devastated if I had died a true death that day. Though he and I had never exchanged more than fevered pleasantries, the gentle doctor who seemed tirelessly at my bedside would, in fact, have been hurt the most by my death, even had he not known what he was missing by letting me go. Carlisle is an exceptionally caring person, and with so few words exchanged between us already, there was a bond. I later attributed this to my mother and the long conversations he seemed to have had with her, conversations I occasional witness through his pensive recollections. I don't quite remember her, but I see in Carlisle's mind that my mother had been a wise woman. Some of her words stick with him still.

My mother, I know, is the reason my existence went from the blink of an eye intended for me to this lazy and drawn-out non-life. Even on the days when I have felt most despicable, the nights when I would look down to find a man dead at my feet, the times when I truly was the monster I'd never wanted to be, I never once blamed Carlisle. My mother had known. How, neither of us know. But she had asked for this for her son, not truly knowing what she was asking for, and Carlisle had given freely of what he had. He'd given of his seemingly limitless compassion.

I so wanted Bella to stay human. She, like my mother, did not know what she was truly asking for. I understood what she saw: the fleeting lifetime of a human compared to the eternal existence of... of one of us. I could understand; I wanted to cling to her forever and never have to say goodbye. If she remained human, I would live in daily fear of losing her to some unforeseeable peril. Someday I would lose her permanently, and then I would be in torture, lucky to meet some quick end. I live in fear of those moments of despair. I'd experienced them once, and I wasn't hoping for a repeat. I try to imagine trading her heartbeat in exchange for easing my fears, a suggestion so selfish I surprise even myself.

I can see the appeal of what she wants-- to her, and to me.

And I know that Bella should have died that day in the parking lot, hit by a van, no older than I was when I died in a hospital (or rather, in Carlisle's row house, with its immaculate interior and its sweeping views of Lincoln Park). That's how it should have been: myself, buried in Chicago; Bella, buried in-- would it have been Forks? Phoenix? Jacksonville? Not Chicago, at any rate. We are two sundered teenagers, lives snatched before our already vanishingly small time had elapsed. We are meant to be separated by a hundred years and a thousand miles.

But my mother had asked a favor of her doctor-- to make me a monster. Now Bella wants the same.

The absolutely worst part is-- the greatest portion of me wants her to become what I am. A monster? Eternally damned? The thought of our love being something evanescent and mortal shatters my... my soul?

I cannot let this happen. If I doom her to my fate, then I truly have become the monster I always feared I was.
Current Location: St. Paul, MN
Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Blue
vichaus: save hervichaus on April 5th, 2008 04:04 am (UTC)
Wonderfully written!
ousoonerfanousoonerfan on April 5th, 2008 04:36 am (UTC)
P. Gal,
I am so thrilled to see you writing about Bella/Edward..

Thanks for sharing,
Synchestra Duende: Bella and Edward Kissmysduende on April 5th, 2008 06:07 am (UTC)
You're an amazing writer. I feeling like I'm reading an extension of 'Midnight Sun.' Incredibly beautiful channeling!
Sushigirlsushigirl101 on April 5th, 2008 10:25 am (UTC)
Beautiful and very well written. You've really captured Edward and his struggle with what he is and the implications for Bella.
slicvic321: piano edslicvic321 on April 5th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
this story was amazingly written, i felt like edward was actually telling the story.
great job! thanks for sharing :>
d: T Edward & Bella falling leaves (sw)nebakanezer on April 11th, 2008 06:10 am (UTC)
That was so beautifully done. My favorite part is how he gets to see his mother through Carlisle's memories of her.