?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
05 December 2007 @ 01:04 pm
Soot and Stars II  
Title: Soot and Stars II
Fandom: BBM
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine and I make no money from them.
Summary: Canon one-shot, dead!Jack, dying!Ennis. Ennis's POV.
AN: Credit goes to Smashing Pumpkins for this. In their words, "Idea's mine, but the inspiration not." Unbeta'd. This is a companion piece to Soot and Stars, and I recommend you read that one first.

Soot in my hair, and stars in my hands. - Smashing Pumpkins, Soot and Stars. Full lyrics.

Soot and Stars II

The march of time was palpable like the dripping of the faucet across the room. Life measured out in drops, looking back through the water to try and see--

Some days he tricked himself into thinking this hadn't been his decision, but denying Jack his win at the end didn't seem fair. Ennis felt he'd drove it home, and knew when he dreamed of Jack's folks, of Jack's dad's words and the fear they brought up in him, that Jack had died in pain, alone, and wanting no part of Ennis del Mar.

But in his dreams they rode it forever. Forever. And it was alright. And he had all the right words to make it work. But that was dreams.

He was always tellin' me what we should do, right n' wrong, but he never did see sense. Ennis tried to raise a little angry, but failed. Maybe if the outcome had been different, the sentiments would be, too, but as it was Ennis didn't have near enough Jack to sully the parts he did have.

None of it eased the restlessness in Ennis's bones, knowing that the path he was on would one day bring him rest. It was a hard race to run, knowing that your only goal was a to drive yourself and your horse into the dust of the earth itself and into death. A race with an ancient finish line.

It was never up to either of them, but they sure as hell had held on as far as they could, seemed. Ennis couldn't see how it had broke.

The hard gray roads he'd taken up had worn him down, paling in comparison to the drive Jack made but still nearly too much for him, the infidelities. The tires drug up dust like settlers with their wagon wheels, fighting scarlet fever and starvation and Indian attacks to get to the West, and Ennis felt their fatigue.

He drove those gray roads for time, and that was that. Sometimes the hum of asphalt against tire was the only declaration Ennis had of the time he needed from Jack. Where Ennis's voice caught, maybe the wheels could speak.

Now the race was drawing to a close. Ennis could feel his restless bones hungry for sleep night and day. He'd drawn his fortifications around a distant world of men, had piled his gates high, maybe finding the angry after all, throwing it to his dad: the man who had killed Jack. And yet, above the ramparts Ennis could see the stars shining through the night, and the blue clouds floating overhead. The sky reminded him of Jack, and he never failed to watch it. Figured Jack was in the ground now, so maybe together they had just one whole world between them.

Ennis was jealous of the birds. They got to touch the blue and he couldn't any more.

And though the grieving plain was fading from his earthly sight with every passing month, somehow that thing inside never faded. Jack, whose voice was steady like the wind on Brokeback, who gave care to visit Ennis in his sleep, sculpted the courage for Ennis's own dim-lit path, the roadway out of life. Jack didn't have to be alive to give life up to Ennis.

And that was where Ennis's remorse went up before the world. He felt caught in a cage of his own making, not sure where to turn for comfort. He wanted to beg off every one of his actions, but there wasn't anyone to confess them to, so he cried to himself alone that maybe Jack was right, maybe Jack was right after all.

But, always fighting that, Ennis's fear to move, need to hide from the eyes of day. Even if Jack was right, Ennis couldn't help his instincts. His needs.

But then Ennis felt like a rusted car, grown obsolete with disuse. Unneeded. Decaying, always. An eyesore, too. Purpose, will, love, pride, remorse, jealousy-- none of those meant anything against the fear of cold metal.

And mostly it seemed to Ennis that he was now asking Jack for himself, for permission to be free from fear, unseen forever. That was all that could ease his slumber. He needed death. And there it was, spoken at the last. For better or worse, when his last breath took him, Ennis thanked Jack, the strong wind, for tipping the horse trailer at the curve, laying him with his head turned towards the sky.

But though he was covered with the settler's dust, blood, and gasoline from head to toe, his burning eyes watched as the first star of the evening lit the sky of dreams, finally within Ennis's reach on the other side of invisibility.
Tags: ,
 
 
Current Location: Minneapolis, MN
Current Mood: lazylazy
Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Soot and Stars
 
 
 
camillarcamillar on December 6th, 2007 03:07 am (UTC)
Can I just say how happy I am that you are still with us and still writing. Your canon pieces are simply breathtaking. So thank you, yours is a voice that would be sorely missed if it fell silent
Camilla
tui77tui77 on December 6th, 2007 09:31 am (UTC)
So good to see this from you, and thank you for the TYIYL chapter today too.

This was moving and heart wrenching, with a sense of peace a the end.
gnashsanggnashsang on December 6th, 2007 12:55 pm (UTC)
touch the blue...

wow, this, again, was just amazingly gorgeous. love your writing... will read it again when i'm less zonked, but i got through it, thanks. just hits to the core. ennis. oh ennis, it's you i adore.
testa_duratesta_dura on December 7th, 2007 04:45 am (UTC)
I picked a bad night to read this - sobbing hopelessly but loved it anyway.

Some of the most beautiful words ever written in this fandom to me:

For better or worse, when his last breath took him, Ennis thanked Jack, the strong wind, for tipping the horse trailer at the curve, laying him with his head turned towards the sky.

But though he was covered with the settler's dust, blood, and gasoline from head to toe, his burning eyes watched as the first star of the evening lit the sky of dreams, finally within Ennis's reach on the other side of invisibility.


Tes
(Anonymous) on December 8th, 2007 06:23 am (UTC)
I've never cried so hard reading
fanfic as I did when reading this; I think it was the different thoughts at their ends...but both still looking up at the stars. The pain is 'exquisite'...despairing and inevitable.

I loved how the stories mirrored one another.

Sigh.
judy_blue_catjudy_blue_cat on December 15th, 2007 06:52 am (UTC)
So sad, but sometimes pain is good. Glad to see that you are still writing.